Dear Betty,

I hope its ok if I ask your advice. I'm a guy but in a sense I'm asking this for my girlfriend as well as she's very shy and am pretty sure would never be able to pluck up the courage to ask for advice. Before I start, let me say that we've never actually met but are pursuing a beautiful online relationship after meeting in a chatroom.

Incidentally, we both have stutters, which have held us back emotionally and sexually. I'm 40 and my net girlfriend is nearly 35 - I know this sounds very odd but we're both still virgins, mainly because we've been too afraid to approach members of the opposite sex until now.The great thing about our relationship is that we've managed to be totally honest with each other even though much of what we've discussed is embarrassing for both of us.

Getting to the point (at last!) - we're meeting for the first time in September and we're both very anxious to make love for the first time as the distance between us is too great for regular visits. A traditional slow courtship is unfortunately impractical. My girlfriend has regular women's examinations but requests a pediatric speculum because she still has an intact hymen and finds anything larger too painful. Now I asked her if she wanted to have the minor surgical operation to cut her hymen, but she really wants to try with me and to do it the natural way. Is this possible or will our nerves make this too difficult? Incidentally, her doctor says there's nothing actually wrong with her medically down there.

Any advice would be much appreciated - I love her and am scared I'm going to hurt her. For a number of reasons, she's kept her emotions suppressed most of her adult life so experiences like orgasm and masturbation are things she's had little or no experience of. Unfortunately, because I'm equally inexperienced with a woman's body, I won't know exactly how to stimulate her properly, so she can really enjoy our first time - that's so important to me. Neither of us are expecting fantastic things the first time but we so want it to be at least ok. I know if we can get over this first hurdle, which for us is a big one, our relationship is going to go from strength to strength.

Since finding each other and facing our speech problems head on, we are actually starting to really enjoy many of the things we missed out on before and if we can get the sexual aspect of our lives sorted out, it would be fantastic.

Thank you for your time,
Daniel

Dear Daniel: How wonderful for you both to have met in cyberspace. However, before you actually meet, have your girlfriend go to my website and take a fast course in masturbation 101. Encourage her to read my book, Sex for One. Even better would be getting the video Celebrating Orgasm that would give her some invaluable information. If she refuses to do it, make sure you do it. One of you has to have a little sexual information otherwise it will be the blind leading the blind into unnecessary trouble. I strongly urge her to get a freestanding mirror and to explore her genitals before you meet. She needs to locate her clitoris and experiment with touching it. Most importantly, she needs to see if she can achieve penetration first with her finger and then gradually getting something larger inside like a washed and peeled carrot. If she discovers her hymen is too strong for her to push through, then she needs to have it surgically opened. To expect you to do all this is romantic madness. Even with an experienced lover, I would still recommend a woman be in charge of her first time penetration as well as giving herself her first orgasm. The two of you will be dealing with an enormous amount the "first time out" and the more information you have the better off you will be. Be realistic about your expectations. Remember that penis/vagina sex is not how most women have orgasms. Manual and oralsex will net more results especially for a virgin. If the two of you end up hugging and kissing and talking the first night, that would be a good beginning. I don't know how long your first meeting will be, but go as slow as possible. And by all means, let me know how everything turns out. I'll be cheering you both on to gradually and eventually be able to share happy orgasms for years to come. Betty