Dear Betty:

At last here the rest of my story. You will recall that in high school I still did not realize that my clitoris existed or that rubbing it would give me pleasure -- pretty dumb for an honor student!!

  After a few brief affairs after reaching eighteen, I met the man I've been married to for 19 years. Once early on, he asked me if I had had an orgasm when we had sex, and I said that I was just one of those women who couldn't and that it was really no big deal. He never asked again, and we settled into a pattern of love-making that was geared toward getting him off. (I asked recently why he hadn't pursued my "problem" with me, and he said that he assumed it just wasn't that important to me, so he didn't bother.)

  During my pregnancy with my daughter, I became increasing resentful of his intrusion into my body for his pleasure and worried about the effect on the baby that I had had so much difficulty conceiving. Following delivery when I was nursing, I had the normal vaginal dryness, and he really disliked that I had to use lubricant for sex. I remember for years saying to myself "I hate sex" and "God, I wish this was over" during sex, with the exception of when I was ovulating, when I would turn into a wild woman with intense sexual cravings.

  About a year and a half ago, by chance I rediscovered masturbation in a funny way. My dog would not go outside to pee all day, and I was worried that he would get a bladder infection if he didn't at least pee before going to sleep at night. I had heard from a friend of mine that when he was camping, he peed on the trees around his campsite and a wolf had come and peed on the same spots to cover the scent. So I reasoned that the same approach might work with my dog. My yard is big and relatively secluded, especially in the back section behind the fence.

  It was a warm October night with a full moon and a light breeze. I pulled down my panties, squatted down and let go with a surge on the ground. I could feel the breeze on my wet cunt and, all of a sudden, the hot feelings I had had when masturbating many years earlier came back to me. I touched myself and found I was very wet and slippery and quickly went inside where I used a slim river rock that I had found as a dildo. This time, however, because the rock was fairly small, I had to hold it in such a way that I inadvertently rubbed my clit at the same time and was thrilled by the feeling. I jumped into bed, fucked my husband's brains out and tried the same thing the next night.

  I began searching for other "implements" and resources. I got a little vibrator, like the kind I had seen advertised as a kid, you know the ones the woman is always holding to her cheek? I had heard that the Internet had sex sites, so I tried them, looking under "Masturbation". On one of them, your book, Sex for One, was mentioned as the bible of self-love, and I filed that info until I could get to the book store. Like one of the women on your first tape, I read it like a glutton, then read it again, savoring each section. I eventually bought the Hitachi Magic Wand and the Kegelcisor and your two tapes as well as the one Carol Queen did demonstrating how to use a variety of vibrators. I found it incredibly arousing watching women really come, and it was very helpful to see Carol ejaculate, because I finally realized that that was what I was doing, and it wasn't abnormal at all.

  It took 3 1/2 months of concerted effort before I had my first orgasm. I can vividly remember the moment it happened. I was riding my Hitachi doggy style with the Venus dildo inserted in my vagina. At one point, my whole cunt seemed to open up wide and then all of a sudden, there was an incredible feeling of great happiness. It felt like the core of my body was in complete control of me. It was as if my whole vulva had turned into a glorious trumpet which sounded in a tumultuous explosion of feeling and energy. I was stunned and thrilled to have experienced the feelings I had been craving for so long.

  At age 47, I realized that it was like I had been dying of thirst for most of my life, always seeking my heart's desire, but finding only just enough moisture to keep me from dying but never satisfying the thirst. With that orgasm, I jumped right into a whole wonderful wet world which I have been drinking into every pore ever since. Discovering my self as a sexual being has been a turning point in my life, one which I am only now beginning to recognize the magnitude of.

  Now I am seeing things in terms of unlimited potential and possibilities instead of blind allies and unmet desires. After all,if I could achieve something of such value which I had been an impossibility for me before, the doors are open to anything. Your terminology of "self-love" is truly apt. Through the act of giving myself pleasure and the permission to enjoy myself and luxuriate in my body and all the wonderful, sensual experiences of how I look (my smooth curved hips, pouty breasts, delicate pink clitoris and labia, like a seashell), how I sound (a throaty, animal sound when I'm about to come ), how I smell and taste (musky, slightly salty, such a turn on), and how I feel (the delicious plumpness of my swollen labia), I've gained an overall sense of loving and cherishing myself that is complete and unshakable.

  Here are some of the changes I've experienced in the past eighteen months: I've gradually lost 20 pounds by eating foods that are healthy and nourishing for my body. I look and feel blatantly sexy and energetic, the best I've ever been in my life. I stopped biting my fingernails without any conscious effort on my part (a long-standing habit since I was 3, one I had given up on getting rid of) and now realize that I have very pretty hands. I love running on the nature trail near my home, and I can run three miles without stopping. In fact, I'm beginning to train for a mini-triathalon scheduled for next year (a great way to celebrate my 50th!). I used to think I was constitutionally weak and couldn't really participate in sports. I wrote a book in my area of specialization and am getting calls for speaking engagements.

  I am in the process of getting out of the disrespectful and abusive relationship I have had with my husband and have stopped (for the most part) being a victim. I am reaching out to loved ones and unabashedly sharing with them about the joys and benefits of self-loving (I've been afraid in the past to speak my mind for fear of ridicule). I'm a better mother, and (I think) did a great job of having the "birds and bees" talk with my daughter (you'll be interested to know that I used the illustrations in your book as visual aids to show her how beautiful women's vulvas are and some of the ways a woman can masturbate). I am honest with her that I want her to explore herself and find out how she can please herself and get an idea of what she likes before she gets involved sexually with other people.

  Overall, I have noticed subtle and great changes in the way I look at life since awakening my orgasms. I now think more about what "I want" rather than "I should" and more about "I can" rather than "I doubt" or "I'll never." With an "I can" attitude, who knows what are the limits? My creativity has been unleashed, and I discover small (or not so small) gifts on a daily basis which I did not know I possessed.

  Betty, I know that you are one of a minority of people who would understand my transformation. Some of my friends think that sex is just too trivial to warrant much exploration. For me, however, it is literally the fiery core of my being which provides energy for the rest of my adventures in life. I thank you from the deepest part of me for your help in igniting that fire and your guidance along my journey.

With love,
Arlene, San Jose, CA

Letter Motivated Me to Do My Cunt Portrait!
See me intimately before and after orgasm!!