A few years ago, I spent a second afternoon with Betty Dodson in a private session that was "life changing" in a way that I could never have anticipated. My first session with her got my partnersex orgasms in place. She gave me permission to stimulate my own clitoris the next time I was with my lover so I could enjoy orgasms too. This time around, we were dealing with my anal hang-ups. It took Betty over an hour to get me to the place where I was able to touch and view my anus. She called it my "sweet little buttyhole" and said that it is a "pleasurable friend" and not a scary den of germs and diseases. Old childhood fears stood in the way of experiencing pleasurable sensations that finally led to orgasm when I was able to stimulate the clitoris and the anal area at the same time.

Not long after Betty's "anal session" I started to become aware of how I was reacting whenever I was in a public restroom. I could feel myself becoming very anxious and wanting to rush in and get out fast. Because I travel a lot and use public restrooms, this was a disturbing behavior that has probably always been there, but now I was aware of it.

The next step in my anal recovery happened soon after. Each summer, I attend a two week meditation retreat where each participant is assigned a job. Last summer, I arrived early and talked to the person in charge of housekeeping and asked if I could sign up to "clean the bathrooms." Needless to say, they told me that no one had ever requested this job. (Usually the jobs are randomly assigned as people arrive at the retreat center.) Cleaning the bathrooms is not at the top of the list of most sought-after jobs! It was very scary for me to do this because I knew how uncomfortable I was in public bathrooms. But, Betty had opened a new horizon of pleasure for me and I didn't want to "close the door" on a part of my body that for me and for many others was so distasteful. Betty told me many times that negative toilet training can affect a person's quality of life and ultimately their orgasms.

I also had no idea what cleaning the bathroom would have in store for me. At the beginning of the retreat, each of us was trained for our jobs. I started cleaning the next morning. Instead of rushing in and out as fast as possible and cleaning the bathroom in lightning speed, so I would not have to feel the anxiety, I did all the various individual tasks very slowly and deliberately. In this way, I was able to "see" and be aware of just how my body was reacting to each part of the cleaning process. For example, I waited for my breathing to slow down before I began each phase. A jolt came when I started to clean the toilet and I gagged. I was shocked to see how I was reacting to a task that so many people can do with no reaction. When I saw just how strong my feelings of revulsion were, I immediately felt tears. That's when I realized just how BIG the pain was inside of me. I stopped what I was doing and returned to my room to let the tears flow. I sensed these were childhood tears that had been stored inside me for many years.

This same experience was replayed over and over again into the next week as I kept going back every morning and doing what was so difficult for me. Each time I watched my reaction to cleaning in and around the toilet, all the hair in the shower and the other stuff all over the floor. I gave myself permission to stop and let the pain be released a number of times each morning. I remember thinking that this stored up pain had been, as they say, "driving my bus." Now that Betty had opened the door to explore this scary part of myself and every thing connected to it, I just let the tears flow knowing I was now being healed by putting myself in this situation. One morning it was so hard to clean the bathroom that I had to stop. I couldn't finish the job until that afternoon.

At the end of the retreat we had a large group session where we talked about our experiences during the retreat for those who wanted to. I spoke about cleaning the bathrooms to overcome my bad childhood toilet training, the hours of tears I shed, and the realization of how I had stored all that pain inside for so many years. After the group sharing, many people attending the retreat came up to me to comment on what I'd said. Several were therapists and they confirmed how rigid toilet training has scarred so many people for life. After I got home, I read my baby book to find out what had actually happened to me.

It was shocking to read what Mother had written about my toilet training in my baby book. She had put a suppository in me when I was only 6 months old to make me go to the bathroom. Also, at 1 year old, she had shut me in my room all day because I could not "go" when she wanted me to go. For a one year old being shut in a room all day alone has to be very painful. My Mother was mentally ill and needed to control me in order to quiet the anxiety inside herself (her therapist told me that after she died). However, the pain inside me that resulted from her toilet training demands left a lifelong scar. I have always had this HUGE feeling that I could never do things right.

These two experiences have given me more confidence and compassion for myself. First was Betty's session that started to "unfreeze me" and free me up from the huge fears about my buttyhole. This was followed by my inner voice telling me to sign up to clean the public bathrooms at the retreat center. Releasing all that stored up pain has brought wonderful and unexpected changes in my life. I have much more confidence in myself and I am not constantly worried about always doing things right. Many friends have commented on how I am much more compassionate with myself now. For example, I am less fearful in situations such as giving presentations in front of very large groups of people. And to top it all off, my orgasms have been GREAT when I involve my whole pussy and buttyhole area. THANK YOU, BETTY!

Love Marla