Hi Betty,

I have a question that I hope you can help me with. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. She's had 5 children (vaginal deliveries) and has done a great job of maintaining her figure and does her Kegel's (when she remembers) to maintain muscle tone (flexibility and strength). We have a very good sex life. On occasion I love to use toys while going down on her. I also at times use several fingers during foreplay. During the last trimester of one of her pregnancies she was able to take my entire hand and she said it was enjoyable but without the relaxin hormone in her system her vagina can not handle it (I never attempt to force, but play in the realm of tolerance). For the most part my wife enjoys toys and the use of my fingers.

However I recently surprised her with a larger toy that is 7 inches long with a diameter of 2.25 inches. She said it was stimulating and exciting but left her feeling "distant". A couple of days later she asked that I not use it again. When asked why she didn't want to use that toy again she replied with a couple of concerns. Her main concern was that she has had 5 children, is getting close to the menopause years and she does not want to be "stretched out". She has a fear that if a large toy or too many fingers are used she will not be able to maintain a vagina of the proportion she feels is attractive. She also related the thought of having a big toy left her with feelings of being distant or confused.

So my questions are: Does using a toy or fingers such as described above cause "stretching" of the vagina to a point where it is unable to maintain proper tone? Since the vagina is maintained by muscle won't the use of exercises (Kegel's with and without resistance) maintain proper tone? Is there research that shows that the use of toys may add to vaginal tone during the menopause years? And is it a common misconception with women that toys or masturbation makes a women a nympho or slut or any other negative connotation? I have more questions but will wait to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my concerns.

Norman