Dear Betty,

First I'd like to start by saying thank you for making feel normal, through your great website, for the first time in my life. I mean in the way I look and for all the years that I masturbated and felt guilty. It never stopped me though!

Now for the first time in my life I seem to have a problem getting my clit hard. There have been some drastic changes in my life that may be contributing to this problem. I don't know. First I have left my husband and children and I am now living with a wonderful man. I was married for 24 years and had 5 children but my marriage has really been over for the last 3 years or so.

Last March I left my family for a wonderful man I met on the Internet. I know it sounds a little frightening but he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. We have been together since Nov of last year. Once my divorce is final we will marry. He is my best friend also. My problem seems to be that my clit doesn't want to get hard and if it does, it doesn't want to stay that way sometimes. Keith is a wonderful lover and when it comes to oral sex....geeeeeeeeeeez ..... I never knew it could feel so good!!! He can get it hard but sometimes it just disappears on him...I can feel it happen and I feel terrible.

I know he wants to make me cum this way and he's being so patient. I have experienced this type or orgasm in my marriage and I know how wonderful it feels and I want to feel it with Keith. But it was never a sure thing then. I want it so much now. I am a very sensual woman so why am I having this trouble? Even with my masturbation I'm having trouble. I just can't seem to get myself hard sometimes and I have never had this problem before. Is it my age??? I'm nearly 48 but not in menopause yet.

Please Betty if you could tell me something I would sure appreciate it. I'm at a total loss. Keith feels that if I get a vibrator and use it lots that I will have easier orgasms and the more I have, the easier they will come. Please any advice you have will help.

Thanks Betty,
Maureen

Dear Maureen, Although our clits have similarities to a man's penis, when we are in a high state of arousal, the clitoris can retract under its hood. Neither a woman's nor a man's total sexual pleasure relies solely on an erect clitoris or penis. I recommend you watch my video Viva la Vulva or order the book, A New View of a Woman's Body from Amazon.com to better understand your genital anatomy. Yes, age affects our sexual response. Half way through my forties it became more and more difficult for me to come from oralsex but I still loved it and enjoyed receiving and giving it. When you want to come for his sake and not yours, you're setting yourself up for more problems. Your boyfriend is smart to suggest getting an electric vibrator. As we get older, we often need more stimulation for our orgasms. I recommend the Magic Wand by Hitachi and sell it on my website. Make sure you read my instructions on how to best use the Magic Wand. www.bettydodson.com/vibhowtouse.htm. www.bettydodson.com/wandintercourse.htm www.bettydodson.com/selforgasm.htm. Simply focus on what feels good, enjoy the pleasurable sensations for their own sake and when you want your orgasm plug in the Magic Wand. Keith already has indicated that he doesn't care how you come just as long as you do. Stop stewing over losing your hardon and start vibrating. Use the Wand during intercourse and both of you can feel the good vibrations. Then get back to me with the good news. Betty

  

Subject: Orgasm triumph!!!
Dear Betty,

About 3 weeks ago I ordered your vibrator, the Magic Wand, and book. About that time I also e-mailed you about the problem I was having about not being able to get my clit hard and have an orgasm. My boyfriend felt that if I had a vibrator I would have no trouble having an orgasm with it and that I would then have orgasms with oral sex. I must tell you that he is WONDERFUL at oral sex....sigh, but I just couldn't have an orgasm.

Well your vibrator came and as he held me and caressed me.... I had an orgasm with that very first try!! The spell was broken. I have only had the vibrator and book a few days and we have not had the opportunity to have oral sex, but I know without a doubt that I will have an orgasm if not the first time then eventually. You have opened up a whole new world for me. I am enjoying your book immensely. I now realize that I am normal and I even look normal! I am looking forward to exploring having orgasms during intercourse, but if it never happens, I still have my vibrator and my lovers tongue!

Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
Maureen

Dear Maureen, A big fat juicy congratulation is in order. Good for you and your lover for breaking through your orgasm barrier. In most cases not reaching orgasm is simply inadequate clitoral stimulation and/or "clit stim" that doesn't last for as long as we need it. A word of caution: lighter forms of stimulation that follow vibrating are not always effective. In other words: Do manual and oral sex before using the Magic Wand. Or have your lover do oralsex for your pleasure and then you can use the Wand for your orgasm. Why does it matter how we "get" our orgasm? What matters is "having" a orgasm. As I wrote in the first lines of Chapter 8, "Whether it comes from a lover, a bathtub, a teddy bear, a dildo, a finger, a tongue, or a vibrator - an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." I highly recommend trying out different positions for intercourse that allows you to hold the vibrator on your clitoris while your lover is doing slow sensuous penetration. My favorite position is doggie style perched on the edge of the bed while my boyfriend stands behind me slowly moving in and out of my vagina. We always use plenty of massage oil. Since I'm postmenopausal and we don't use condoms, I prefer Charlie Sunshine's "Secret Formula"massage oil to keep everything wet and slippery (no problem either if you're on the pill). If you're using condoms apply a water-based lube like Probe or Slippery Stuff. When the lube starts to dry out, instead of adding more, keep a cup of water handy and wet your fingers to bring it back. Using too much lube will make it get sticky. No matter how turned on and wet a woman might be, adding some kind of lubrication makes everything go more smoothly. Enjoy yourselves. Betty