Drawing by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty,

I found your website today "by accident." Maybe there is no such thing as accidents. I was so wowed by your site and all the helpful info and links. PLEASE HELP! I hope this isn't too long, I've never emailed a question like this before. I've been married nearly 17 years. Up until 2+ years ago my husband and I had a very active sex life. We don't have any children at home. We both work full-time and I go to college two nights a week and spend approx 18 hours each week on school work. I'll graduate in May with an A.A.S. in Paralegal Studies.

Maybe you won't believe this, but I let two years go by (until early July) and didn't talk to him about how I was feeling. I fell back into an old habit of being afraid and letting fear of confrontation keep me back. I take several meds for bipolar (4+yrs) and recently began seeing a therapist to deal with my issue of 'not dealing'. Finally I did talk with my husband. What I heard was "You've gained weight and I'm not attracted to you." He didn't word it exactly like that but it's what he meant. No, I didn't blow up. I did feel confused and hurt, and stymied a bit because numerous times I asked him "What's wrong? Is something wrong? Or, If something is wrong you'd tell me, right? His responses were always "No, or Nothing, or Yea, I'd tell you."

Now, I've never been skinny or built like a Playboy model. I have beautiful long red hair, fair skin, and blue eyes. I was "hippy" even when I was smaller at 142. I am 5'4". My weight has bounced from 150+ when we first married on up to 198 after four years, then down to 142 after six years, then up again. In last two years I've ballooned to 220+. We've always enjoyed sex and always made time for it. Now it's the last thing he seems to think about. I stopped instigating sex early last year because it was so hurtful to be rejected or rebuffed.

I love and desire my husband just as he is, even with a marshmallow tummy, thin legs, thinning hair, gout flare-ups, and all that comes with being in one's late 40's. Why can I accept and desire him as he is but he can't do the same? I plan within the next several weeks to tell him I want him to go with me to therapy as I strongly believe we need couples counseling. Far as I know, knowing him, he'll go. If he does not, I will continue going myself.

In the time noted above we've averaged sex once every 76 days. I also seem to have lost the ability to masturbate to orgasm when I'm alone. I've always been multi-orgasmic with him. He is a sensitive and caring lover. I do what I used to do whenever we have 'dry spells' yet nothing works anymore - my hand, the shower, my "toy." My closest girlfriend of 30+ years says it's because there's more my husband and I need to discuss and settle before our sex life can improve, that not having sex is a symptom of a bigger problem. She, I might add, has had a 25+ year marriage with the usual ups-n-downs (no pun intended).

I'd like to add that in the time frame I've outlined that my husband's company has gone through two buyouts and he has even more responsible positions. He's very good at what he does, though he leans towards workaholism. He often drinks beer and bourbon to deal with stress, etc., and yes, I recognize self medication. No, he does not have a problem achieving or maintaining an erection. Aside from our not having sex, we are best friends, spend a lot of time together, laugh and have fun, and are well-matched as far as both of us being homebodies. Could you please shed some light and offer some advice? I feel heartbroken over what has happened. I know I need way more sex than we've been having. Thanks. I'd be really grateful.

Dolly