Dear Dr Betty,

My wife seems to never want to have sex. We started out 6 years ago strong and now I can't remember the last time she touched me on her own, without my prompting. This has gone on for two years or so. I have tried romantic approaches in all shapes and forms and not that it doesn't occasionally work, it just seems like she has no need for sex and has stated this too. On average we may have intercourse once a week if I am lucky. Dr Betty I have loved sex since as early as I can remember. To me the thrill and pleasure is limitless, especially the intimacy sharing part. On the other hand, my wife always has an excuse either it's the wrong time of day, the kids, etc. I have heard it all.

Now the best way I can describe our personalities with this in mind is that I am like a Lamborghini (really not full of myself) in comparison to a golf cart in a race. I am 28 years old and really not sure what the heck to do. I believe that the amount of sex we have is way too little. This is leaving me feeling alone and empty. It seems to mean so much more to me than her. To complicate things, with kids, it's not so easy to- nor do I want to- separate, etc. It makes me feel terrible. I have expressed my feelings many times from polite and sincere to frustrated and mad. She has used the reason that she wants romantic nights but when ever I try she has this habit of not being showered. She doesn't care enough to jump in a shower regularly after work, etc. to allow me to be spontaneous and romantic. If I mention why don't you jump in the shower I am met with disgust for my persistence.

The nights that the candles are burning, dinner is done, the thermostat is turned up and the room is set with all types of romantic attempts e.g. sheets hanging from ceilings, toys, new lingerie, music and the rest, she never bothers to jump in the shower or get turned on and maybe be ready. Dr Betty is my marriage sex life helpless, or did I need an older women, or am I doing something wrong by wanting to have an intimate, lustrous sex life with my wife? Am I crazy or a pervert because I love sex and a lot of it? Why doesn't she ever initiate contact with me. I really feel like she may not love me against what she says. Even with these feelings I never cheat and I am more frustrated and stressed than ever over something that doesn't cost money or need other resources but love, this is at a time when money stress and the family situation has me to the max already. Dr. Betty please give me some advice or some ideas. This was never what I envisioned my life with my partner/wife would be like.

Sincerely,
Feeling unwanted

Dear Feeling Unwanted,

You are among legions of men who want more sex than they are getting in their marriages. Getting married at 22 is very young and neither you nor your wife had any courses to teach you what married life would be like. It isn't an extended honeymoon with hot passionate sex that lasts indefinitely especially after children enter the picture. So you are getting a reality check right now. Marriage is more like a partnership in a small non-profit business once children enter the picture. I have no idea how many kids you have, what kind of work she does outside the home and how much you help her with food preparation or childcare. All of that matters a lot.

Another important consideration is whether or not she is having orgasms when you do have partnersex. If your Lamborghini is roaring down lovers lane toward a nice big come while her golf cart needs a charge because she's going no where, it's not difficult to understand why she's not gung-ho when it comes to jumping into bed with you. I don't know how much you know about sexual skills or understand the differences between male and female sexuality, but I recommend you get my book "Orgasms for Two." More communication between you and your wife is in order.

Betty

[Back to Index]