Dear Dr Betty,

I am a 24 year old woman in a loving, satisfying and very sexual relationship with a 70 year old man. We live together now, but enjoyed several years of enlightening and successful artistic collaboration, and friendship before we became lovers. He is a fantastic lover, very experimental, and our chemistry is great. So, what’s the problem?

Stigma: We try to keep our relationship a secret for this reason, by my choice, not his. Any friends I have that are in their 20’s and 30’s just would not understand. Fellow musical collaborators have no idea what’s going on. If I were to tell them, I would be made a laughingstock and it may, more importantly, restrict opportunities for my solo artistic output. For years even before we became lovers, I was inundated with people who thought I was some kind of lost soul being reeled in and manipulated by a dirty old man. I find this terribly insulting, because anyone who knows me at all knows that I know my own mind, and am very capable of making my own choices. I was never abused. I am a weirdo, sure, but not mentally ill. I was not brought up in a cult. Up until (and including) now, I date men and women my own age, and we are independent financially. It is a functioning open relationship with flexible conditions, and we both take other lovers. We both believe that jealousy is an ugly thing and discuss our liaisons at length. This relationship is a very clear-headed and well-thought out choice based on compatibility and very strong sexual chemistry.

I read an article about your intergenerational relationship and was deeply inspired and moved. Until that point, a relationship with a 45+ year age gap was the most pronounced I’d heard of and I felt rather isolated on that level. The main problem is that I don’t believe that this relationship will be kept a secret for much longer. We’re both performers, and there was an incident this week with a scarily well-researched local journalist uncovering some information during an interview with him. And as a writer myself; I know its journalistic gold. I have wanted to write about it for some time actually, but know that I would have to publish under a pseudonym, and that feels a lot like cowardice, really. The timing right now just isn’t right for me to write or publish about it. But I know that even if the journalist respects our wishes this time, it really is only a matter of time before someone else busts us. And neither of us have any intention of ending the relationship over being outed, but how best to cope with a possibly imminent small town public hazing? Not being overt or confronting and being sensitive to the needs of our families and his children, as well as our own needs has worked well so far. But if we are outed beyond our control, we will have to come up with a better response than flat denial and laughter.

How do you and your partner cope with these kinds of reactions? I don’t really have many people I can discuss this with, and I don’t personally know anyone in a similar situation. When we are overseas, it doesn’t even rate as an issue. But at home, I don’t think we’re going to have much longer with the luxury of discretion. Any suggestions on coping strategies?

Yours Sincerely,

Olivia