Dear Betty:

I am 44 and recently married (8 months now). I was married previously for 12 years to an abusive man who cheated constantly. I am not sure if my recent issues are related to my past experience or some other problem.

The man I am married to is a wonderful, kind, loving man who is a wonderful sexual partner and completely trustworthy. He has a very healthy outlook on sex and has helped me to open up and be less inhibited. I am able to express some of my desires that I was unable to express before. The problem I am having though is jealousy over his interest in looking at pictures of women on adult web sites. He has a couple in particular that are his favorites and he probably gets a picture daily or at least weekly.

I also appreciate the female body and it's beauty and can understand the interest in looking but for some reason I get very emotionally depressed and hurt at his interest in this. I have talked with a good friend who believes that this may stem from some of my own insecurities about my body. I have lost a lot of weight in the last few years but still have about 20 or 30 pounds I would like to lose. Due to the weight loss I have some areas with stretch marks and in particular have considered a tummy tuck as I have the "pregnancy apron".

My breasts are great and I am a very attractive woman otherwise but I feel like the women he looks at are something I will never be able to achieve.

The other thing my friend thinks is a problem for me is that I moved when we got married and I am away from my friends and family in a strange place with a new job and unfamiliar things over which I no longer have the same kind of control. I have been reaching out to make friends and we have some but it's not the same as the life I had. I wouldn't trade this to have that back as I am so in love with my husband and know we will be together forever. However, making a new life is challenging.

My husband and I have had many discussions about this and he has offered to discontinue saving the pictures. He assures me that he finds my body beautiful and that he is just a visual person. I know he adores me and wants to be with me forever. I can tell he finds me sexy but for some reason I just can't seem to get past this. I really don't know what to do to adjust and I'm afraid that if I don't it will cause us problems.

I'm usually a very positive person and have never experienced this kind of "jealousy" or envy and I don't really know how to deal with it.. Any ideas?

Clara

Dear Clara,

I recommend massive doses of selflove, self-appreciation, and self-re-evaluation. You must stop comparing yourself to photos of models and obsessing over all of your physical flaws. Get a grip. Instead of listing all of your bodies imperfections, start counting your blessings.

He looks because the images gives him some visual variety for his private fantasies. When we become jealous of pictures of naked women, it's like saying, "I want to own all of your sexual thoughts and control your visual images. I am the only woman you can think about in your mind or see in your imagination" - the ultimate fascist's demand.

Get my book "Orgasms for Two" and read the chapter where I discuss my own process of dealing with jealousy. It is similar to when I stopped smoking nicotine or letting go of any other addiction. Every time the feeling came up I simply said, "I don't do jealousy anymore" just like I would say, I no longer smoke cigarettes. I'm not saying it's easy but it's do-able.

Basically what causes jealousy is our fear of losing the person we love. Instead of allowing myself to go into the full blown feeling of an imagined loss of his love, I would distract myself by masturbating with a fantasy about having sex with some very attractive man who could fulfill all my dreams. "After all," I reasoned, "lovers can run off and they can get sick and die. Nothing is forever." Once I could imagine my life continuing past loving this one person, I could begin to operate from sexual abundance instead of desperation and deprivation. Enjoy yourself and your husband. Jealousy eventually drives people apart.

Betty

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