ASK DR. BETTY

Hi Dr. Betty,
I'm 42, healthy and in good shape, and my new partner is a 49-year-old man who's hasn't taken the best care of himself, though he's basically healthy. He isn't able to sustain a strong erection, which is very frustrating for both of us. It gets in the way for a few reasons - for one thing, sex tends to take longer, to the point where I get bored, and there is often disappointment that something good is starting and then it fades away as things are getting going. Also, while I enjoy being dominant some of the time, he feels he can't EVER take that role because he doesn't have a firm erection to work with, and it's true that it would sort of blow the role playing thing to have him wilt in the middle of the action.
He is willing to try Viagra or something similar and we probably will do that. Do you hear about or have any experience with men on Viagra? What is the sex like? Any thoughts on how to have good sex in spite of an unreliable erection? We are both cool with masturbation and even sex toys, though I'm not sure I'd want a steady diet of those things alone.
This is a man whom I enjoy on every other level and I would hate to end the relationship for this reason, but I truly don't know if I can sign up for a lifetime of this. The irony is that my last lover was a 34-year-old sexual athlete but he couldn't meet my intellectual needs. Now I have this wonderful guy … and we can't make the sex happen.
Frustrated in Mass..

Dear Frustrated,
I remember when I was in a similar position as you and complained, "When I get love there's no sex, and when I get sex there's no love." Eventually I managed to get the two together but I must say it wasn't easy. Then later on I had to separate sex from love to further my understanding of human sexuality.
Seems like one of the ED drugs would be a good solution for your man. Many men tell me they have had good results with them. He'll have to check with a doc and maybe try one or more of the available ones. Getting him to change his diet and begin to exercise is another thing that would help immensely. As for you question about other ways to enjoy sex, by all means read my book "Orgasms for Two." Sharing more orgasms together that don't require his hardon would definitely take some pressure off of his poor beleaguered dick. But as you said, if nothing helps your present situation with him, don't sign up for a lifetime of it.
Betty