Masturbation For Women

In January 2006 I received an email from Spun Gold, a production company in the UK stating they wanted to do a documentary about me for their Channel Four. Wow! It sounded great, but after expressing interest, I didn't hear from them again. That's not unusual for me. Teaching sexual skills to women through masturbation is not society's favorite subject. There are even those people who think female masturbation is down right subversive, especially those heterosexual men who expect their women folk to be satisfied with a fast fuck- the "phallic centered" model of sexual intercourse- also known as "procreative sex," "position A," "man on top" or "wham, bam, thank you ma'am."

Six months later in June, the documentary conversation began again, this time in earnest. Spun Gold had been given the go ahead by Channel Four to produce a one hour documentary titled, "Masturbation for Girls." I insisted "Girls" become "Women." When they sent their proposal, I must say I was impressed. The four page outline began with a quote from me, a statistic from Kinsey and a promise that this ground breaking documentary would shatter one of the very last taboos- female masturbation.

"For the very first time on television, three women will experience astonishing therapy and learn how to masturbate. We take three women for whom masturbation represents a very closed off world to New York to meet Dr. Betty Dodson. There they take part in her revolutionary masturbation training. They will undergo an intensive week of psychological and practical instruction, including private sessions and a group workshop. They will lean how to use dildos and other sex toys and be personally coached and coaxed into their first orgasm through masturbation."

Although the promo was good, I was also aware this was not a documentary about me. It was about three women struggling with orgasm who come to see me to solve their sex problem. It could turn out to be one of those goofy reality shows that are so popular these days, or it could be a breakthrough documentary about masturbation. I was both excited and terrified over the possibilities as I fielded countless questions about my work and my life. I spent hours emailing and talking to different people on the phone in London. At first they wanted to shoot the doc in the middle of July in my apartment. Absolutely not! There was a building under construction right next to me. They'd have to find another location with central air or set another date.

The next hurdle was their request that I do the opening segment from one of my past Bodysex Groups where I sit cross-legged with other nude women in a circle. The fact that I hadn't done a workshop in over ten years was irrelevant. They wanted the image. That's when I asked myself if I was prepared to bare all at the age of seventy-six? Suddenly I was faced with a huge challenge. Here was an opportunity for me to breakthrough another barrier of false pride and go public with my ageing body. Instead of confessing my ego-based reservation, I latched onto my recently sprained ankle and said there was no way I could sit cross-legged yoga style right now. When I said thanks, but no thanks to their proposal, I felt greatly relieved.

The producer, Natalie Goldberg eventually got back to me with a new date for the end of October. They wanted the production to be filmed in my apartment. She had even checked with the construction company next door and they claimed by that time they would be installing wiring. Next we had to negotiate a fee and finalize everything with a written agreement. Their opening offer was 5k. Not good enough. They would be shooting for six consecutive days in my apartment, using my archival material, clips from the DVD's, and I would bring in the women for the nude group filming. For all of that, I wanted 20k. The following email is from Nick who was handling the budget.

"I've had a chat to my people here at Spun Gold and the Business Affairs guys at Channel 4 and here's the update. The budget is incredibly tight. I've tried every which way to increase the figure, but I'm afraid we just can't do it. Our top offer is a flat fee of $16k to cover your fees, the workshop and expenses, $200 for each workshop woman and a 5% share of Spun Gold's gross receipts for international distribution. I really hope we can make this documentary work. I promise you that I have done everything I can to reach an offer with which you will be happy."

My response to Nick: How many people would attempt to guide three women to their first orgasm with a camera filming them? Unless one of those Business Affairs dudes at Channel 4 wanted to get down on the floor with me and help get these women off, I want 20k or it's no deal.

Next I got an email from a man who introduced himself as "One of those Business Affairs dudes." He met my request and I signed the agreement. Although I was pleased I'd negotiated a deal that made me feel appreciated, I was fully aware of the big risk I was taking. My professional life was going to be in the hands of total strangers.

On the first day when we met, I liked all of the women. The producer, Natalie Goldberg was a thirty-something dark haired hottie with the energy of an entire football team. Her camera woman Kat was an attractive blond who was an award winning cinematographer who matched Natalie's energy. Another woman that I only saw once was an assistant to Natalie. She was basically babysitting the three UK women and filming them with a small camera while they were sightseeing around the city.

All three women had sent me a mini bio about her sexlife and what she wanted to achieve during our session. Fiona was a 36 year old single mother with a two year old daughter. Although she'd had plenty of partnersex with numerous men, she had never had an orgasm. She was tall, dressed stylishly, black and beautiful. She knew what the word masturbation meant, but questioned it's purpose. "For some reason I've got it into my head that it is something I just don't do." she wrote. "I would like to be able to have sex with a man and feel confident enough for him to please me as I guide him to all those fabulous new places I will have discovered in New York."

Fiona had never seen her sex organ. She was introduced to her vulva with her clitoris front and center under a bright light while looking in the mirror with me by her side. Later on, we were both thrilled when she had her first orgasm using the Magic Wand. She even leaned how to keep going and have a second orgasm. Big success story. Even though I had the 220 volt Eroscillator for her to take back to the UK, she fell in love with the Wand, so she'll continue to use it in England with an electrical converter.

Next was Dawn, an unhappy 43 yr old truck driver who had suffered a life time of pain with intercourse during 23 years of marriage. She had given birth to three children with C section deliveries. All of her pregnancies were unplanned and happened one after the other. For the past 10 years, she and her husband had not been very sexually active. She failed to tell me that she was unable to touch the outside of her vulva, including her clitoris, without experiencing intense pain. After working with her for twenty minutes or so, I pulled off my latex gloves and said there was nothing I could do for her. She was like a person going to a tennis pro to learn how to play the game but couldn't touch the racket or handle a tennis ball.

All the doctors she'd seen in the UK said there was nothing wrong with her. I told her I believed there was something wrong. There was a condition called "vulvodynia" that I knew very little about. She had a medical problem not a sexological one. At that point, she jumped up sobbing and got dressed. Natalie moved in to console her but instead of babying her, I requested she be left alone. I told Dawn the good news was that by naming her problem she could move toward a solution. Meanwhile she was to stop tolerating pain that consistently resulted from sexual intercourse with her husband. To which she wailed, "Now he'll leave me for sure." When I said she was stuck between fearing she'd lose him and wanting to kill him, she nodded and her tears stopped.

After everyone left that evening, I sat down at my desk exhausted and picked up a book that had arrived in the mail that same day. A week before, I'd received a call from Paula, one of the authors, and we'd talked at length. When she learned I didn't have a copy of The V Book: a Doctor's Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health by Elizabeth G. Stewart, M.D. and Paula Spencer, she promised to send one right away. After going through the index, I turned to the chapter "It Hurts," and there it was: Vestibulordynia, a variation of Vulvodynia, a form of inflammatory pain. The nerve is not injured but it is so continuously bombarded by inflammation that signal changes in the spinal cord that keeps the pain going.

The following day, I learned that Dawn was devastated. The famous New York Orgasm Doctor had been unable to help her, and since I was her last hope, she wanted to fly home that very day. Before she left, I spoke to her on the phone and they arranged to come by to pick up the book so she could read it on the plane. I told her that according to Dr. Stewart, there were several means of treating Vestibulordynia. As it turned out, everyone was glad to see her leave because she'd been putting a drain on the entire group with her never ending complaints and negativity.

The third woman Kelly was a cute 24 year old who had tried masturbating by hand as a teen, but it just didn't feel the same as when a guy did it. She gave up masturbating and said she never missed it. When she discovered the vibrator at 20, she began having orgasms with herself again consistently. Now she wanted to go back to manual stimulation so she could come with a boyfriend. Although I explained my position of supporting the use of vibrators during partnersex, she was convinced sex would be more "intimate" if she could come from a lover's touch. Meanwhile she wasn't dating anyone special.

Her situation is fairly common. I've worked with other women who initially learn how to have consistent orgasms with a vibrator and then decide they want to come the "natural" way which means from a lover's touch. A woman who is a man pleaser knows that most men want to be in charge of giving a woman her orgasm. My position is that each of us creates our own orgasm. While I believe it's possible to retrain your body to respond to a lesser form of stimulation, it requires a dedicated commitment, infinite patience and the willingness to spend quality time learning how to come from manual stimulation. Most women eventually give up and go back to using a vibrator after a lot of unnecessary frustration and self-blame. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.

Since getting rid of her vibrator, Kelly had gone several weeks without coming. She was introduced to the benefits of using Almond oil to massage her vulva and clitoris while she worked the pelvic floor muscle with my Barbell inside her vagina. After nearly an hour as we all waited patiently, I handed her a vibrator and told her to go ahead and come with "old faithful" so she wouldn't feel frustrated. She smiled sheepishly and said, "I just came." Her orgasm was so quiet that I'd missed it altogether, so I suggested she come again with a bit more enthusiasm. She declined, but decided she could use a vibrator from time to time now that she knew she could come by hand.

The day before they were to film the circle of nude women, both of the UK women backed out. Although I'd rounded up eight women who were willing to sit in the circle with me, Natalie and Kat ended up interviewing each woman separately. I was glad that exposing my nude body didn't become a deal breaker. Now I want to film a 21st Century Bodysex Group.

Unfortunately I never had a chance to look at any of the footage. When I was doing the actual private sessions, Natalie and Kat were over in the corner of the room filming us from the side. That meant they weren't showing the kinds of clitoral stimulation being used. Keeping it mild for the viewing public was also leaving out some of the most important information. Still, it could turn out to be a powerful learning experience for many. The end result of the documentary was in the hands of Natalie and her editor. I had to wait and see what they did when the film aired the end of February 2007.

Why am I not surprised! "Masturbation for Women" was cancelled. The powers that be decided it was inappropriate viewing material for public consumption. Natalie hoped it would air later in the year. We all know how much blatant in-your-face porn is available on cable television and the internet both here and in the UK. It's also common knowledge that most men love to watch a woman masturbate. I find it fascinating to contemplate why teaching women to masturbate continues to shake the very foundation of our social structure where men often have the final say. Are they destined to protect the Freudian myth that all mature women can climax from a penis inside a vagina during intercourse? Does the vibrator scare them or is it discussing a woman's clitoris that is so upsetting? No one has answered my emails asking for a copy of the documentary. As common wisdom says, "Glad I was paid upfront."

© 2007 By Betty Dodson