Dear Betty,

I once had a scheduled session with you, which, though it didn't solve all my problems, was a great help in teaching me about myself. It reassures me to know that you are out there, committed to helping women with forthright, practical, empathetic advice. I wish you could clone yourself!

My question to you is whether you have any practical advice for raising a happy, healthy, sexual boy? Right now my son is only a toddler, but someday soon I'll have to deal with all kinds of masturbatory issues.

While I want him to feel free to experiment sexually, I don't particularly want to have to witness it. Do you have any tips for allowing him the privacy he needs to experiment? Also, assuming he is heterosexual, how do I raise him to have some knowledge of women's bodies? And, for the toddler stage, when would you recommend that I discontinue bathing with him, and letting him see me naked?

Right now he loves to twiddle with my nipples, which would be endearing, if it weren't so damned irritating! I really have to struggle to control myself when he does it, and tell him nicely not to "fool with me", instead of slapping his hand away. Any advice?

Nan

Dear Nan, The best sex education for your child is to be orgasmic yourself. Positive sexual vibes between couples raising a child are worth their weight in platinum. If not between you and your partner at least with you enjoying your own orgasms. As for your toddler's masturbation, my best advice is not to interfere until he is ready to go to school. At that point let him know that you understand how touching his penis feels good to him, but that he needs to do it in his own room. Meanwhile it will be inevitable that you will witness him playing with himself. Your negative feelings about this will be conveyed as young kids pick up on how adults feel on a nonverbal level. When he's older, and you accidentally come upon him, don't turn it into a big deal. Let him know you enjoy masturbation too. A good rule of thumb is to listen to the questions he asks and give him simple direct answers. The fact that you bathe with your toddler now and he sees your body is positive. As for when to stop this you are the best judge. He'll want to bath himself at some point. Some families continue with nudity in the home. When their children reach their teens, if they want privacy they will create it for themselves. In my own family of six sharing one bathroom, nudity and bodily functions were both treated as a natural part of being human. I'm grateful for this. The fact that you find it "damned irritating" when he twiddles with your nipples is too bad. Did you breast feed? If so, any toddler will love his mama's nipples. When I was a grown woman, my mother used to talk about how all of her kids loved their "titty dinners." I recently saw an article about a woman who made the decision to allow her children to wean themselves. Her twin girls occasionally still suckle at 4 years of age. I greatly admire her for doing this. Breastfeeding sets up a child's immune system and we need to teach mother's how to go about this. If you did not breastfeed, then I'd suggest you make twiddling your own nipples part of your masturbation practice. Although American men overburden the erotic aspect of a woman's breast, we would do well to eroticise them for ourselves. Because I was built small I grew up with an inferiority complex. It wasn't until I was in my late thirties that I made a decision to incorporate breast massage and nipple play into my masturbation. I soon realized that making a connection with my breasts and nipples actually spread my sexual energy beyond my genitals to my whole body. For a while, just before orgasm, I'd feel a twinge in my right nipple. Remember, how you feel about your own sexuality is the strongest message your child will get. Love yourself as much as you love him. It sounds like you are doing just fine. Happy mothering. Betty

Dear Betty,

I was interested to read the letter from the mother whose toddler twiddles her nipples. This is a common situation for breastfeeding mothers. I don't know many mothers who have not breastfed so I can't comment on that. In your response, I got the impression that you were saying that the mother should grin and bear it. Unfortunately, toddlers can get pretty rough! What I did was discuss "gentle touch" with my son when he got too rough, just as I would if he was pulling the cat's tail, etc., and I demonstrated what "gentle touch" means in this context. Now that he is older, it is rarely a problem, except at one point in my cycle when my nipples are tender. It also helps to keep the toddler's fingernails trimmed very, very short!

I also talk to him about the fact that my nipples are part of *my* body, so I can decide what can happen to them, and he can make decisions for *his* body. This also ties in with a concern about sexual abuse. My son's father was sexually abused at a very young age, and has ongoing issues about sex. I don't want the first thing my son learns about sex is that some adults sexually abuse kids, but I do want him to know that he doesn't have to put up with any touching he doesn't want. So I am trying to set an example of assertiveness for him rather than scaring him with stories about abuse.

The writer also mentioned that she is concerned about how to handle it when her son starts masturbating. I'm surprised that he's a toddler already and hasn't tried it. My son has been touching his penis since he was a baby. I would just smile and say something like, "That's your penis!" (Just as I would for any other body part). He has tried to get me to play with his penis a couple of times, and I gently explained that mommies don't play with their babies' penises, he can play with his own penis.

He was a bit confused and disappointed, but not traumatized. Another time, when I was changing him, he started to touch himself and then said, "Don't touch your penis!" I certainly never taught him that! I told him he could touch his penis because it feels good. I phoned his dad (we are separated) and discussed the issue with him. His dad denied having told our son not to touch his penis, and agreed that it should be allowed.

Sometimes he doesn't want to put his diaper back on because he's enjoying touching himself, so I tell him he can have some "penis time." But I do worry about the mess--he is nowhere near toilet trained. I haven't really got into the issue of public vs. private yet, although now that he's 3 I have a rule that he can be naked at home or in the backyard, but not elsewhere. I told him this was a dumb rule that doesn't make sense, but that's how it is in Canada.

Thanks for all your good work

Marie

Dear Marie , You are doing great as a sexually enlightened mom. I apologize if I gave the impression of "grin and bear it" when toddlers pinch anything. Your approach to demonstrating gentle touch couldn't have been better. It's an example for all mothers. As for public versus private, three seems pretty young to get such an advanced concept. He'll need to know before he goes to pre-school where there will be other kids. I loved your concept of "penis time" and being naked. Adults need to continue being nude at home on occasion to let their bodies breath and be free. Toddlers are so totally erotic and sexual. Although I've never had kids, I've listened to thousands of horror stories from clients who were traumatized as children by parents who believe children are not sexual. Keep up the good work and you'll continue to raise a very sexually healthy son. Betty