Hi Betty:

I'm concerned because I've been with my husband for 5 years (married for 1) and I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. However, I am very excited about flirting with other men and possibly making out with them. I know my husband is monogamous and I've told him that I like to flirt and he's ok with that and ok about me getting male attention if it's innocent. But I wonder if having these desires will continue until I act on them (and then escalate if I do).

I'm confused. I know it's natural to be attracted to other people, but I find myself really seeking flirty exchanges and then I feel guilty. I'm not sure if this means I'm not the monogamous type -- I've always been in long-term monogamous relationships but since we're married now, the thought of living this way indefinitely concerns me. My best friend and I both feel the same way and we feel like we're the lone rangers and that if we told other people they would just think we wanted to cheat or that there was something "wrong" with us. Not sure where to go with these feelings...

Thanks, Carol

Dear Carol,

You are not alone in your concerns about living a lifetime of sexual fidelity. It amazes me that more women don't speak out about this outrageous restriction on our sexual expression. Monogamous marriage works for very few and they are usually the evangelicals who want to deny sex. I was so freaked out about only having sex with my husband for the rest of my life that I sneaked sex with another man the first year we were married. Guilt feelings drove me back to recommitting myself to monogamy again.

Next, I tried to initiate sex with another couple but my husband couldn't perform so it was one-sided. I'm in one room getting laid and hubby is in the other room commiserating with the other guy's wife about their common problem of being married to sex fiends. We split up after seven years which was the absolute best solution. I'd suggest you ask yourself why you want to stay married. Do you have children or are you planning a family? If not, it would make sense to move along.

The way some couples deal with the monotony of monogamy is by initiating threesomes or hooking up with other like-minded couples. The most common solution as you suspect is simply cheating, having sex on the side without your partner knowing it. This seems to work well for many men, but it does change the marital dynamic in terms of honesty and trust. I'm a lousy liar so for me it's best to have an open agreement. This is a big issue and it's a lot to think about. I'm glad you have a gal pal for support. When I launch my new website with Carlin Ross, we will discuss this issue openly with our new community. Meanwhile you can safely enjoy guilt-free masturbation for sexual diversity.

Betty

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