Hi Dr. Betty,

Just found your site and thought you might be able to answer a question I've been trying to have answered for years now. I had a child almost 4 years ago, and got a nasty perineal tear; they couldn't decide if it was fourth or fifth degree, but either way it was bad and required a lot of stitches. They said it healed up fine, and I have to admit I didn't have any troubles at the time. When I got back into sex with my partner, I didn't have any pain or other issues. However, we split up about a year or so later, and my next partner was bigger and wasn't particularly gentle at first (despite my requests!), and I started noticing pain on my perineum during sex and afterwards. I'd also get stinging while urinating and noticed slight amounts of blood when I wiped myself. I assumed that I was re-tearing, but it seemed to heal very quickly. When I checked in a mirror, I noticed a slight tear, no more than 8-10mm long, and not very deep. While this partner is indeed bigger, he's not exactly enormous; I'd say slightly above average. So why do I keep tearing? Other women obviously take much bigger penises than his with no problem.

Should I be doing extra pelvic floor exercises, or trying to stretch my opening? Or just trade in this partner for a smaller model? I don't get the mini-tears as much now (perhaps because I'm not getting much sex - but that's a separate issue), and I've worked out that the tears usually happen if doing any position without a bit of standard old missionary first; doggy is particularly bad, but, alas, his favourite. I do still get pain sometimes even if we're only doing missionary, but not always. And there was one time where he accidentally slipped and struck my perineum with a fair amount of force; that had me in tears and unable to continue because of the tear it caused. Our other issues aside, I do believe that this tearing is causing a bit of a problem as he is occasionally too scared to have sex with me in case I get another one. I don't tell him when I get them anymore, but sometimes they hurt enough to change the way I respond. And obviously it will probably be as much of a problem with any future partners. Some sound advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks,

Jenny

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Dear Jenny,

My first response was to trade this guy in for a more gentle model. A red flag went up when I read, "My next partner was bigger and wasn't particularly gentle at first (despite my requests!)" You say the tears don't happen when you do "standard missionary first." I have a feeling you might not be sexually aroused sufficiently before he shoves his big dick in and missionary slows him down because it's more work.

It's up to you to take control of how a man penetrates and moves inside you and to always feel free to add additional lubrication for any kind of penetration with fingers, dildos or penises. Although your episiotomy completely healed after surgery, it remains a more delicate part of your body. Pain is frequently a sign we are doing something wrong.

Get my book "Orgasms for Two" for some good ideas on different ways to share partnersex. It doesn't always have to be a cock-in-the-hole. Consider getting my Vaginal Barbell or at least read what I say about working the PC muscle, something all women can benefit from. Be sweet to yourself.

Betty

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