Dear Betty,

You've been a great inspiration to me and I felt you'd be the best person to turn to for advice about my masturbation dilemma. Here is my story:

I am 31 years old and I've had a pretty rich sexual experience. Two years ago I began an intense journey of sexual self-actualization that I hope will continue for the rest of my life. My exploration has included education attending workshops, buying your book Selfloving (and others); cultivating my fantasy life with erotica, writing and porn; talking about sexuality with anybody and everybody and, last but not least, masturbating a lot. I wouldn't say my masturbation is excessive but it's pretty regular and I have invested a lot of time into some of the approaches you suggest in your book, Sex for One.

The first real solo-sex orgasm I ever had I had with the help of a vibe and a dildo. I have felt that familiar fluttering and tingling with partnered-sex but never on my own. The first few vibes I bought were cheap and went through a lot of batteries. Finally I did the smart thing and got myself a Hitachi Magic Wand. The orgasm was fast and I didn't spend twenty minutes trying to get a thrill from a dying battery. My problem: Every time I masturbate I can't come unless I'm using a vibrator.

I read Tristan Taormino's piece in your website about her problems coming after taking anti-depressants and her description was familiar. While I've never taken anti-depressants and am not suffering from depression or any other major trauma, I am finding it difficult to come without my Japanese pleasure circuits. Basically what Taormino described about not being able to orgasm hit home in terms of my wanting to orgasm manually.

My question: So I'm wondering if the whole desensitization thing is true? Please don't tell me it could be about inner emotional issues that are keeping me blocked, etc as I've spent tons of time exploring all that and don't feel this is the problem. I've also tried rocking my hips, breathing differently, etc. I don't think I'm suffering from sexual dysfunction either because I am coming just fine when I have sex and when I have my wand. I just can't do it manually. I've spent a lot of time on the Internet looking for information on masturbation techniques and most of them are pretty general. Beyond rocking my hips and breathing differently I want to know if there are any specific techniques I can try to get myself off sans electricity. What do you think? Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Manual Overdrive

Dear Overdrive, The only sexual dysfunction you are suffering from is not taking full advantage of using an electric vibrator before wanting to get rid of it. If you are coming just fine when you have partnersex and when you use your Wand, why do you want to masturbate manually? Why do you want to retire your vibrator? I'm also a bit confused with your analogy with Tristan who wasn't having ANY orgasms. Make sure you read my lastest version (#2) the best use of the vibrator: www.bettydodson.com/vibhowtouse.htm. I already know you are not taking full advantage of the Hitachi because you said you are coming fast. The beauty of coming with a Wand is knowing how to make your selfloving last for an hour or more which deepens the experience of orgasm. Instead of just having a quick come, your sex energy moves throughout your entire body. Desensitization usually means a woman has lost some or all of her ability to feel some kind of sensation, in this case sexual. However, the Wand actually allows you to feel more, not less. When the word "desensitization" is used in the context of not being able to climax with manual and oralsex because a woman has become accustomed to using a vibrator, I say that's making a value judgment. Instead of seeing this as a problem, I would simply call it a sexual preference. Most of us have stronger orgasms with a vibrator than with fingers or a tongue. Why don't you learn how to come better with your Wand and then incorporate the vibrator into your partnersex? The only way you can get yourself off sans electricity would be to retire your vibrator and spend several months trying to come with the milder form of stimulation from your fingers. However, in my experience I have found that when a woman has her first orgasm with a vibrator after years of no masturbation, trying to shift over to manual often sets her up for failure and feelings of inadequacy. Or when she learns to come with the lesser stimulation of fingers, she might please her lover but her orgasms are not as strong as when she uses her vibrator. My next book Orgasms for Two deals with a lot of information on how to incorporate direct clitoral stimulation with fingers, battery vibrators or the electric vibrator during partnersex. (see www.bettydodsom.com/wandintercourse.htm). What I said in the early seventies I say again today, "When we bring out our vibrators it separates the chauvinists from the lovers." If you meet a man who doesn't approve of you using "that thing," keep the vibrator and recycle him. Betty