Dear Betty

Firstly may I say many thanks for providing such an upfront, honest and women orientated service; in a world where sex is supposidly everything and everywhere it becomes aparent very quickly that any sexual problem leaves you very far out in the cold. I have just seen your video given on masturbation here in the UK and descovered that I, like one of you´re clients suffer from being stuck in my teenage ways. (I am 28). Although I'm sure this is related to the problem, it’s not why I’m contacting you.

I have, for more than two and a half years been suffering with as yet undiagnosed vulva pain and though I've been to endless doctors, gynocologists, dermotologists, sexologists, GUM clinics and psychosexual councillors, I am still very far from discovering the reason or the cure. I have tried endless different lubrications, special soaps, genital moisturisers and PH balancers, anti inflamitory creams. I avoid tight clothes, perfumed soaps etc, I have tried numbing creams, and anti depressants (not strong enough to function as an anti depressent but to treat the pain) and all to no avail. The pain is in a very specific area, just on the entrance of the vagina on my left side near to the bottom of the entrance. It is very sensitive to touch, and with any kind of penetration (tampon, finger or penis) I suffer burning and sharp pains starting at the entrance and going right inside on the left wall. The vagina is almost always dry.

I’m sure you can imagine this is having an enormous effect on my sex life (I have been in a very stable relationship for three years) and although for the first six to eight months the pain was managable, for over a year now penetration has been impossible and I have over this time slowly lost my desire for any kind of sex. I understand that it makes total sense that this should happen; my brain associates sexual activity with pain, feelings of failure, awkward, rejecting my boyfriend etc and so the drive goes away.

What we are hoping to do is find a way of refinding my sexual appetite by teaching my body that we will avoid anything painful. The trouble is the anxiety is now so strong and emotionally charged and upsetting that anything vaguely intimate (kissing, touching etc) leaves me terrified, unable to breath, rigid and withdrawn. I can and do masturbate, but it is a very mechanical and unsatisfying event - more like scratching an itch than enjoying a fulfilling experience.

My partner and I have tried working over a series of months with a sexologist starting with non sexual touching and working up slowly to sexual activity, but I still find it an ordeal, and certainly it has not awakened my sexual desires. I hope that maybe as a woman and someone who understands so intimately how the body and brain connection works through sex you may be able to give me new ideas to find my lost sexuality. We are both suffering terribly and feel like we are very much on our own with little idea of where to turn next.

Very quickly I thought this info may be useful...I am 28. Lost my virginity at 16. I have had 13 sexual partners. 5 relationships. I have masturbated since a young age and have never used sex toys or vibrators. Many thanks for your time Betty.

Kind Regards,

Victoria

Dear Victoria,

I am not a medical doctor, but what you have described sounds like you may have what is called “vulvadynia” (VVD) or “vestibulodynia” (VBD) which are chronic pain conditions. Although the exact cause has never been confirmed, one of the leading theories is that VBD, pain at the vaginal opening is some kind of a glitch in the central nervous system. I recommend you check out “The V Book, A Doctors Guide to Vulvovaginal Health” by Elizabeth Stuart MD. You can order it online. She is located in Boston and is one of the few experts on this subject who believes that VVD may involve pain from a nerve injury and VBD may be pain caused by nerve inflammation.

She goes into length about possible ways to deal with this problem, many that you have already tried; stopping the use of all soaps, creams, douches, fragrances or chemicals that may come into contact with the vulva. Eliminating tight clothing and abrasive activities. Topical anesthetic agents applied to the painful areas may help to permit intercourse, but it needs to be in a neutral base such as a vegetable oil which is soothing and moisturizing. She says the vulvar golden rule is if it hurts, don’t do it.

You might want to get my book “Orgasms for Two” that has many suggestions for ways to enjoy partnersex that do not involve vaginal penetration. The only thing I can tell you is to continue to be patient. It will take time to train your body/mind that kissing, hugging, and sharing massage along with manual and oral sex will not end up causing you pain. Another thing, an electric vibrator might bring more positive feelings and clitoral sensations to your masturbation. Check out eroscillator.com and get an electric vibrator that uses direct current that matches what you have in the UK. Please don't give up and continue to search and let me know what was useful so I can share the information with other women.

Betty

[Back to Index]